The New Prenup: Planning Whose Job Comes First

The New Prenup: Planning Whose Job Comes First, Who Stays Home With Kids
By Sue Shellenbarger

Monica Leahy thought she was prepared for marriage-until the economy threw her a curve.

When her husband was laid off from his job as a finance manager, Ms. Leahy never guessed he would be jobless for a whole year. Nor did she foresee the broad effects at home. The Los Angeles couple struggled to cut spending and split housework. Ms. Leahy felt pressured to make more money as a retail buyer. She worried about her mate’s flagging self-esteem.

Her marriage survived, but Ms. Leahy wishes she and her husband had talked before they wed about principles and plans to sustain them through the shock treatment inflicted by today’s economy.

Stung by accelerating economic change, from layoffs and longer work hours to job-duty changes and pay and benefits cuts, a growing number of young couples are hashing out questions Ozzie and Harriet never faced: What if a breadwinner gets laid off? How many work hours are too many? Will we transfer for a job, and if so, whose job and how often? What takes priority-work or family?

Maybe it is time for a new kind of prenuptial agreement - an “economic prenup.” Such a pact wouldn’t be legally binding; it could simply be an unwritten understanding or an informal written checklist. It would lay ground rules for keeping a marriage together, rather than splitting assets in a divorce, as conventional prenuptial agreements do.

Premarital education programs, which enroll tens of thousands of couples a year, are already adding discussion on economic stressors to their training materials. “Twenty-first century economics are having as powerful an impact on marriage and gender roles as World War II had in launching women’s liberation,” when Rosie the Riveter changed the image of working women, says Seth Eisenberg, former executive director of Pairs, Weston, Fla., a leading marriage-education program.

If you’re interested in preparing your own economic prenup, here are some areas to consider:

Surviving job loss: Too often, couples differ in their expectations of each other after a layoff. The laid-off partner may expect a spouse to get a job or work longer hours. The other partner may resent shouldering the sole-breadwinner role and losing personal or family time.

As Elizabeth Doherty, 27, an information-systems analyst, and Mike Thomas, 26, an IT consultant, prepare to wed in October, they have already decided what they will do if one of them is laid off. Based on the high value they place on conserving time for their marriage, neither will ramp up work hours, Mr. Thomas says. Instead, the Roseville, Minn., couple would cut their budget. They have enough savings to pay bills for a while; then, they would sell assets to get by.

Limiting work hours: Some breadwinners hold down work hours at all costs; others stretch their work time endlessly, hewing to bosses’ every whim. Unless partners know and accept each other’s values on this issue, some nasty resentments can crop up.

Wary of the impact long work hours might have on family life, newlyweds Anne Sallee Miles, 32, and Rodney Miles, 30, Louisville, Ky., hashed out the issue before they got married. They decided Ms. Miles, a multimedia developer, would cut back on the 60-hour workweeks she was putting in on her home-based business, and take a job with flexible hours instead; she told her new boss she didn’t want to make a habit of working late. They are still keeping her business, however, as a sideline and a hedge against layoffs.

Managing transfers: A dark secret among relocation consultants is that job transfers routinely strain marriages and sometimes trigger divorce. Couples need to nail down their values and limits in advance to avoid being rushed into a decision. What would make a transfer worthwhile - advancement, more pay, a better quality of life? How many times will we transfer? Are there “blackout” times when our children’s needs should bar any moves?

Prioritizing careers: No matter how firmly partners might want one spouse’s career to take precedence, the economy may decide the other gets the bigger paycheck and better job security.

Nevertheless, couples need a flexible game plan for dividing housework and other duties fairly. Rick Rand, 27, a Portland, Maine, teacher, and his fiance, Katy Moore, 28, a law student, are already planning that Ms. Moore’s career as a lawyer will come first. They have discussed whether she is comfortable being the chief breadwinner; she is. And Mr. Rand isn’t bothered that her income will exceed his, he says. When her career gains steam, Mr. Rand will pick up more of the housework.

Balancing work and family: Most couples talk about whether to stay home to raise children. However, an axiom of working parenthood is that you never know how you are going to feel about returning to work after childbirth until you hold your newborn in your arms. Therefore, decisions about career priorities need to be flexible, to make room for new parents’ desires.

Source: The Wall Street Journal; June 22, 2003